Recently I received an e-mail solicitation for some product that was guaranteed to improve my IQ by 400 points. I may be stupid, but I didn't bother to read the fine print. However I did bother to scroll all the way to the end, where I saw the following:        Did you receive this email advertisement        in error? Our goal is to only target        individuals who would like to take advantage        of our offers. If you'd like to be removed from        our mailing list, please click on the link        below. You will be removed immediately and        automatically from all of our future mailings.        We protect all email addresses from other         third parties. Thank you. Whenever I read statements like these, I am in a quandary. If I click on the link, will that tell the spammers that a living, breathing, READING person exists here and therefore my address is worth that much more to those evil e-mail-name-collecting entrepreneurs? Or is this offer sincere--will my name really be removed from this list and from the invitation list to every virtual third party (which is fine by me because I've found that first or second parties are a lot more fun)? I decided to give the sender the benefit of the doubt. After all, he/she/it had spelled the word "receive" correctly and there were NO OUTRAGEOUS CLAIMS IN CAPS or any exclamation points!!!! So with some trepidation, I clicked on the "Please remove me" link. I was immediately whooshed to:        HTTP 404 - File not found        The page cannot be found.        The page you are looking for might have        been removed, had its name changed, or is        temporarily unavailable. I went back and tried two more times. Same error message. Great, I thought, this whole thing was a personality test. And now "they" know that not only am I a living, breathing, reading person, but I am a person who persists in the face of failure. The value of my e-mail address has probably skyrocketed, along with the amount of spam I will receive. Each day since this incident, I have carefully monitored my inbox for signs of additional junk mail, which, as always, I am deleting unread. However yesterday I got one that piqued my curiosity. The sender was not a name I recognized and the subject was--        Re: Garden of Eden I've been around the online block long enough to know that if I have never sent an e-mail with the subject "Garden of Eden," then I am not likely to get a response from anyone with the subject "Re: Garden of Eden." But something about this one kept me from deleting it right away. Perhaps it was the fact that the sender's name wasn't HOTYOUNGTENNISBALLS or SEXYSOAPSCUM or anything even close. Today I decided to take a chance and open the e-mail, hoping that in the process I didn't wipe out my hard drive or get banished from the garden of cyberspace forever. I was prepared for the worst, but not for this:        Please remove us off of your mailing list.        This email is being forwarded to the Texas        Attorney General Office. The problem is: I don't have a mailing list connected to this particular screen name; I don't live anywhere near Texas; and I've never been to the actual Garden of Eden (although I might have had dinner once at a place by this name and I cannot recommend the home-made applesauce). Another problem is that I feel responsible for this sender's e-mail angst. My screen name must have gotten confused with a spammer's; I should set the record straight. Maybe I'll craft a nice, apologetic response telling him that I never sent any e-mail, I have no mailing list, and I am not intimidated by his threat to report me because I'm already on Death Row in the virtual Texas State pen. But by writing back to him, I may also be taking part in yet another cyber-personality test. The last thing I need is an e-mail solicitation like this:        Are you looking to expand your business on        the Internet? We sell mailing lists of        individuals guaranteed to be living, breathing,        reading, persistent AND WHO HAVE A        CONSCIENCE!!!! Here are a few sample        addresses.... And if I see my own name listed, I will definitely go through my cybertrash and dig out that IQ Improvement e-mail. AUTHOR BIO: Marilyn D. Davis is the Webmistress of TechnoCursed.com.  There's a whole page about her, if you're interested. Or just check out her other Web sites: All She Writes and Naked Humorists.

Surf through this site and have a laugh, before your computer crashes.

ARTICLES

If a Butterfly Flaps Its Wings in Tokyo, Will I Still Have an Internet Connection in Dunedin? by Steve Fay Steve Fay is having dial-up problems, phone company problems, computer cabling problems--let's just say he's a poor guy with more than his share of techno-problems. Empathize, please.

R-E-M-O-V-E, Find Out What It Means To Me by Marilyn D. Davis Everybody complains about e-mail spam, but how many of us do anything about it? Marilyn D. Davis was so inspired by John Sheirer's Alien Anthropologists piece that she decided to study the subject in depth. Beware: It's not a pretty--or tasty--picture.

Forgive me, Readers, for a title that may be longer than this article. The problem has been going on longer still. Specifically, I cannot manage to get my computer connected to the Internet on a consistent basis. Yeah, yeah, I know. Old timers will say, "You call that a problem? Why, in my day...." To them I say, "Who the heck gave you a computer? Why don't you go back to trudging barefoot ten miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways?" The only place on earth where that is possible--walking uphill, going to and coming from the same location--is right here in Dunedin, New Zealand, and the wind will be in your face the whole way, too. Impossible, you say? Then you have never seen Dunedin - and it doesn't matter anyway. This article covers a problem with computers and the Internet. What with The OmniPotent, Supreme, High, Imperial Telephone You-spell-it-out Company and the Internet Service Providers that have to deal with it, I know a war is going on out there that makes the India-Pakistan face-off look like a couple of kids arguing over a ball. Phone company representatives, hereinafter referred to as Satan's Spawn, will tell you that its Internet service provider is a WHOLE SEPARATE ENTITY from the phone company itself. That ISP customers who use its service have far fewer dial up connection problems than do competitors' customers is wholly coincidental. It is also coincidental that in the two New Zealand cities where You-spell-it-out has a competitor, local phone service is a good deal cheaper than in areas where it has a monopoly. All of that aside, computer manufacturers do not help the situation at all. For those of us who use a dial up connection, the wires that connect our computers to the phone jacks are highly suspect. You get the standard length of wiring with the funky little clip that plugs into the back of the computer. Then it is highly recommended that you park your computer as close to the phone jack as possible so that the wire will run straight from the modem to the jack without passing go and without having to use any kind of an extension. It is even more highly recommended that you forget these other ISP providers, use You-spell-it-out's own provider, and rent desk space right in its server area. Unfortunately, that is not an option for most of us. So we are faced with using connections that run some little distance and are susceptible to the play of small children and pets. Children trip over wires. It is what they do. It is part of their programming as surely as security leaks are a part of Microsoft software. Cats think anything is potential prey if they are bored enough or think it will cause enough damage. The dog merely regards wires as something else on which it can chew, now that we have industrial-strength couch and chair cushions. The upshot is that I can tell when a butterfly flaps its wings in Tokyo because I will not be able to get an Internet connection. That minute shift in air currents will dislodge the tenuous connection at the clip in the back of my CPU. I will hear static rivaling a phone call from a haunted mansion on a dark and stormy night. So why not give us a connection and wiring that will stand up to everyday life? Is that too much to ask? I am thinking a clip that requires two men and a strong boy to set it into place, with a wire the size of industrial cable that runs stadium lights. Sure, it may be unsightly, but if we hand the problem to Martha Stewart, she can surely come up with some sort of interior decorating suggestion. (My own would be an indoor speed bump.) Now if I can just post this article.... AUTHOR BIO: Steve Fay is a freelance curmudgeon for hire. You got money? He's got words for sale, many of them repeatable in polite company. Contact him at MrOrnery1951@yahoo.com.

Recently I received an e-mail solicitation for some product that was guaranteed to improve my IQ by 400 points. I may be stupid, but I didn't bother to read the fine print. However I did bother to scroll all the way to the end, where I saw the following:        Did you receive this email advertisement        in error? Our goal is to only target        individuals who would like to take advantage        of our offers. If you'd like to be removed from        our mailing list, please click on the link        below. You will be removed immediately and        automatically from all of our future mailings.        We protect all email addresses from other         third parties. Thank you. Whenever I read statements like these, I am in a quandary. If I click on the link, will that tell the spammers that a living, breathing, READING person exists here and therefore my address is worth that much more to those evil e-mail-name-collecting entrepreneurs? Or is this offer sincere--will my name really be removed from this list and from the invitation list to every virtual third party (which is fine by me because I've found that first or second parties are a lot more fun)? I decided to give the sender the benefit of the doubt. After all, he/she/it had spelled the word "receive" correctly and there were NO OUTRAGEOUS CLAIMS IN CAPS or any exclamation points!!!! So with some trepidation, I clicked on the "Please remove me" link. I was immediately whooshed to:        HTTP 404 - File not found        The page cannot be found.        The page you are looking for might have        been removed, had its name changed, or is        temporarily unavailable. I went back and tried two more times. Same error message. Great, I thought, this whole thing was a personality test. And now "they" know that not only am I a living, breathing, reading person, but I am a person who persists in the face of failure. The value of my e-mail address has probably skyrocketed, along with the amount of spam I will receive. Each day since this incident, I have carefully monitored my inbox for signs of additional junk mail, which, as always, I am deleting unread. However yesterday I got one that piqued my curiosity. The sender was not a name I recognized and the subject was--        Re: Garden of Eden I've been around the online block long enough to know that if I have never sent an e-mail with the subject "Garden of Eden," then I am not likely to get a response from anyone with the subject "Re: Garden of Eden." But something about this one kept me from deleting it right away. Perhaps it was the fact that the sender's name wasn't HOTYOUNGTENNISBALLS or SEXYSOAPSCUM or anything even close. Today I decided to take a chance and open the e-mail, hoping that in the process I didn't wipe out my hard drive or get banished from the garden of cyberspace forever. I was prepared for the worst, but not for this:        Please remove us off of your mailing list.        This email is being forwarded to the Texas        Attorney General Office. The problem is: I don't have a mailing list connected to this particular screen name; I don't live anywhere near Texas; and I've never been to the actual Garden of Eden (although I might have had dinner once at a place by this name and I cannot recommend the home-made applesauce). Another problem is that I feel responsible for this sender's e-mail angst. My screen name must have gotten confused with a spammer's; I should set the record straight. Maybe I'll craft a nice, apologetic response telling him that I never sent any e-mail, I have no mailing list, and I am not intimidated by his threat to report me because I'm already on Death Row in the virtual Texas State pen. But by writing back to him, I may also be taking part in yet another cyber-personality test. The last thing I need is an e-mail solicitation like this:        Are you looking to expand your business on        the Internet? We sell mailing lists of        individuals guaranteed to be living, breathing,        reading, persistent AND WHO HAVE A        CONSCIENCE!!!! Here are a few sample        addresses.... And if I see my own name listed, I will definitely go through my cybertrash and dig out that IQ Improvement e-mail. AUTHOR BIO: Marilyn D. Davis is the Webmistress of TechnoCursed.com.  There's a whole page about her, if you're interested. Or just check out her other Web sites: All She Writes and Naked Humorists.

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