Allow me to share with you a highly personal letter I received: Dear Cable Customer (how much more personal can you get?): In an ongoing effort to provide you the best cable service available and continually improve our customer service, Screw-You Cable is introducing a number of important changes affecting your programming options, rates, and equipment. These exciting changes will incorporate new technology to bring you additional channels of requested programming. We hope you enjoy the results! Here are the results, as I understand them:   > You need an advanced degree to decipher the options, rates, and equipment.   > Thanks to the FCC's efforts to regulate      cable -- and bring down fees -- I will pay      approximately $7 more a month than my      friend in Hollywood for the exact same basic      service. This, according to a company      representative, is essentially because I live in      a higher-income area. Gee, I hope the phone      company doesn't get wind of this -- it might      decide to charge me more per minute for a toll      call.   > The good news is, I will be saving money:      fifteen cents a month. Wow. I'll try not to      spend it all in one place. The letter continues: Based on customer input, we've improved and increased our channel lineup! Translation: We've switched the numbers on you again, suckers -- just when you thought it was safe to commit the last changes to memory. To assist us customers in this translation, the cable company graciously enclosed a new channel lineup card. On one side is an alphabetical list of networks with the old and new channel numbers; on the other side is a color-coded numerical list: black = basic; italicized black = satellite tier; red = premium channels; purple = pay-per-view; blue = Screw-You Select; and turquoise (or is it teal -- or perhaps aqua?) = Screw-You Select Plus. Yellow stars denote new channels; asterisks indicate channels available soon. How attractive. If only they had paid as much attention to content as to design, they might have noticed that some of the information is -- how shall I put this? -- wrong. One side tells me HBO will continue on channel 20; the other side indicates it's moving to 23. Can't have it both ways, guys. On one side, Bravo is shifting from 29 to 54; on the flip side, Bravo is nonexistent, and 54 will be the home of a Screw-You Select option, The Nashville Network. But wait ... 64 will be home of the satellite-tier version of the Nashville Network. I know country music is popular, but two Nashville Networks? And then there's my favorite: Channel 60 will bring me "Balck" Entertainment Television. (Maybe there's a logical explanation for this shoddy work -- like the cable people were just plain exhausted from all the hours they put in trying to figure out how to save me fifteen cents a month.) But there is a bright side to all this channel-switching confusion -- one that renews my faith in the company: I'm happy to report that Public Access won't be changing channels. I may have to search for my favorite old uncut, commercial-free movie or a cherished episode of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," but, by golly, I'll never have to worry about finding that guy who thinks he's Barbra Streisand. Bravo! (Wherever it ends up.) The letter concludes: With changes come questions. In anticipation of your questions, Screw-You Cable has produced an informative program designed to further explain the changes outlined in this letter. This program will be aired continuously over the next few weeks on channel 74. Tune in! I did tune in; all I got on channel 74 was Court TV -- and lousy reception. But it's probably just as well -- I've been too busy trying to figure out which Nashville Network I want to watch. Besides, something tells me they didn't anticipate my question: Why do I have to move to Hollywood to get a break on my bill? AUTHOR BIO: Sandy Siegel is a one-time television writer whose classic episodes often appear on cable TV; therefore, it is very important that her cable TV is always working, so she can monitor her shows and kvetch to the Writers Guild if she is not paid her residuals in a timely manner. When she's not fretting over late residual payments, Sandy writes humor pieces, first person essays and profiles for magazines and Web sites. Some of her work can be found on Why I Made a Web Site.

Telephone answering machines and voicemail systems are great. Nobody has to be home anymore or at a desk anymore to receive messages. And this can work in our favor on the calling end, too. I am especially fond of the technique of returning an unwanted phone call when I know that person is not around. I can leave a terse message and I've done my duty. (Tag, you're it.) Voicemail greetings are another story. Some people get very creative, adding an original musical score or changing it after every meal, but I like to record one that can last as long as a pair of pantyhose that I never take out of the package. For privacy's sake, many of us don't identify ourselves in our greetings, particularly on a home voicemail system. (Why teach the telemarketers how to better pronounce our names in tomorrow's call?) So maybe we simply say: Hi--the collective "we" are not available, but leave your name and number for when we are. Or: I am having too much fun to take your call now. You can leave your name and number for the heck of it; however, I make no guarantees that I'll ever listen to this. Or: You have reached 555-4949 but Killer and I are out for a walk. Leave a message and if we all return intact, one of us will call you back. (This greeting is recommended for women who live alone or with a 98 pound weakling.) What makes me nervous, though, are the misdirected voicemails. Yesterday a doctor phoned with x-ray results. To my knowledge, nobody in my family has had x-rays recently, but I listened to the report out of respect and because I'm nosey. He said that he had seen "some very very mild wear and tear changes--nothing acute, nothing specific, nothing to worry about." (Whew!) He went on to say that "I" should continue with "my" physical therapy and make another appointment in four weeks. Great. He left no phone number, his name sounded like Smith, and I thought I heard golfball activity in the background. With these cues, even if I'd wanted to call his office to say that the doc's message had gone to the wrong party, I was clearly out of luck. Last year, an unidentified person with a common voicemail name like Pxrnbiq or Blfudch gave me the details about Frank's funeral, preceded by, "I'm sorry to have to leave this information on an answering machine, but I hope this gets to you in time." I immediately felt a sense of loss. Not only for poor Frank, but for the person who conveyed the sad tidings. Eventually the caller will discover that the message went astray. Blfudch will be named in a lawsuit and end up paying a huge sum in damages to Frank's wife because she missed her own husband's funeral and kept wondering why she was getting all these sympathy cards when she thought he was just taking an awfully long time to pick up a few groceries. So please--the next time you're out having drinks with friends and you feel the urge to rail at Mom (who may also be out having drinks with friends) about that hideous haircut she gave you in sixth grade, do our answering machines a favor and first enlist the help of your designated dialer. AUTHOR BIO: Marilyn D. Davis is the Webmistress of TechnoCursed.com.  There's a whole page about her, if you're interested. Or just check out her other Web sites: All She Writes.com and Naked Humorists.com.

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ARTICLES

Voicemail Mis-Techs by Marilyn D. Davis Depending on your perspective, voicemail is either the greatest thing since individually wrapped slices of peanut butter and jelly OR an annoyance that violates the terms of the Geneva Convention. At the tone, Marilyn Davis says, "Caller: Beware."

Cable Scars by Sandy Siegel A customer support letter from Screw-You Cable company did not get the best reception from customer Sandy Siegel.  Find out why.

Telephone answering machines and voicemail systems are great. Nobody has to be home anymore or at a desk anymore to receive messages. And this can work in our favor on the calling end, too. I am especially fond of the technique of returning an unwanted phone call when I know that person is not around. I can leave a terse message and I've done my duty. (Tag, you're it.) Voicemail greetings are another story. Some people get very creative, adding an original musical score or changing it after every meal, but I like to record one that can last as long as a pair of pantyhose that I never take out of the package. For privacy's sake, many of us don't identify ourselves in our greetings, particularly on a home voicemail system. (Why teach the telemarketers how to better pronounce our names in tomorrow's call?) So maybe we simply say: Hi--the collective "we" are not available, but leave your name and number for when we are. Or: I am having too much fun to take your call now. You can leave your name and number for the heck of it; however, I make no guarantees that I'll ever listen to this. Or: You have reached 555-4949 but Killer and I are out for a walk. Leave a message and if we all return intact, one of us will call you back. (This greeting is recommended for women who live alone or with a 98 pound weakling.) What makes me nervous, though, are the misdirected voicemails. Yesterday a doctor phoned with x-ray results. To my knowledge, nobody in my family has had x-rays recently, but I listened to the report out of respect and because I'm nosey. He said that he had seen "some very very mild wear and tear changes--nothing acute, nothing specific, nothing to worry about." (Whew!) He went on to say that "I" should continue with "my" physical therapy and make another appointment in four weeks. Great. He left no phone number, his name sounded like Smith, and I thought I heard golfball activity in the background. With these cues, even if I'd wanted to call his office to say that the doc's message had gone to the wrong party, I was clearly out of luck. Last year, an unidentified person with a common voicemail name like Pxrnbiq or Blfudch gave me the details about Frank's funeral, preceded by, "I'm sorry to have to leave this information on an answering machine, but I hope this gets to you in time." I immediately felt a sense of loss. Not only for poor Frank, but for the person who conveyed the sad tidings. Eventually the caller will discover that the message went astray. Blfudch will be named in a lawsuit and end up paying a huge sum in damages to Frank's wife because she missed her own husband's funeral and kept wondering why she was getting all these sympathy cards when she thought he was just taking an awfully long time to pick up a few groceries. So please--the next time you're out having drinks with friends and you feel the urge to rail at Mom (who may also be out having drinks with friends) about that hideous haircut she gave you in sixth grade, do our answering machines a favor and first enlist the help of your designated dialer. AUTHOR BIO: Marilyn D. Davis is the Webmistress of TechnoCursed.com.  There's a whole page about her, if you're interested. Or just check out her other Web sites: All She Writes.com and Naked Humorists.com.

Allow me to share with you a highly personal letter I received: Dear Cable Customer (how much more personal can you get?): In an ongoing effort to provide you the best cable service available and continually improve our customer service, Screw-You Cable is introducing a number of important changes affecting your programming options, rates, and equipment. These exciting changes will incorporate new technology to bring you additional channels of requested programming. We hope you enjoy the results! Here are the results, as I understand them:   > You need an advanced degree to decipher the options, rates, and equipment.   > Thanks to the FCC's efforts to regulate      cable -- and bring down fees -- I will pay      approximately $7 more a month than my      friend in Hollywood for the exact same basic      service. This, according to a company      representative, is essentially because I live in      a higher-income area. Gee, I hope the phone      company doesn't get wind of this -- it might      decide to charge me more per minute for a toll      call.   > The good news is, I will be saving money:      fifteen cents a month. Wow. I'll try not to      spend it all in one place. The letter continues: Based on customer input, we've improved and increased our channel lineup! Translation: We've switched the numbers on you again, suckers -- just when you thought it was safe to commit the last changes to memory. To assist us customers in this translation, the cable company graciously enclosed a new channel lineup card. On one side is an alphabetical list of networks with the old and new channel numbers; on the other side is a color-coded numerical list: black = basic; italicized black = satellite tier; red = premium channels; purple = pay-per-view; blue = Screw-You Select; and turquoise (or is it teal -- or perhaps aqua?) = Screw-You Select Plus. Yellow stars denote new channels; asterisks indicate channels available soon. How attractive. If only they had paid as much attention to content as to design, they might have noticed that some of the information is -- how shall I put this? -- wrong. One side tells me HBO will continue on channel 20; the other side indicates it's moving to 23. Can't have it both ways, guys. On one side, Bravo is shifting from 29 to 54; on the flip side, Bravo is nonexistent, and 54 will be the home of a Screw-You Select option, The Nashville Network. But wait ... 64 will be home of the satellite-tier version of the Nashville Network. I know country music is popular, but two Nashville Networks? And then there's my favorite: Channel 60 will bring me "Balck" Entertainment Television. (Maybe there's a logical explanation for this shoddy work -- like the cable people were just plain exhausted from all the hours they put in trying to figure out how to save me fifteen cents a month.) But there is a bright side to all this channel-switching confusion -- one that renews my faith in the company: I'm happy to report that Public Access won't be changing channels. I may have to search for my favorite old uncut, commercial-free movie or a cherished episode of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show," but, by golly, I'll never have to worry about finding that guy who thinks he's Barbra Streisand. Bravo! (Wherever it ends up.) The letter concludes: With changes come questions. In anticipation of your questions, Screw-You Cable has produced an informative program designed to further explain the changes outlined in this letter. This program will be aired continuously over the next few weeks on channel 74. Tune in! I did tune in; all I got on channel 74 was Court TV -- and lousy reception. But it's probably just as well -- I've been too busy trying to figure out which Nashville Network I want to watch. Besides, something tells me they didn't anticipate my question: Why do I have to move to Hollywood to get a break on my bill? AUTHOR BIO: Sandy Siegel is a one-time television writer whose classic episodes often appear on cable TV; therefore, it is very important that her cable TV is always working, so she can monitor her shows and kvetch to the Writers Guild if she is not paid her residuals in a timely manner. When she's not fretting over late residual payments, Sandy writes humor pieces, first person essays and profiles for magazines and Web sites. Some of her work can be found on Why I Made a Web Site.

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