OCDelightful   by John Sheirer   For much of my life, people have said to me, "Hey John! You should get your head examined!" Well, I took their advice not long ago. I went to a psychologist and got myself diagnosed. It turns out I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)--a very mild case. What this diagnosis means is that I have a tendency to focus on certain ideas and repeat certain rituals to keep myself in mental balance. Some people might consider this diagnosis a bad thing and wonder how I can get rid of OCD. But I think it's OCDelightful. I'm OCDelerious that I've been diagnosed because I can't OCDeny how this mild mental disorder has made me the person I am today. I'd like to OCDebunk and OCDemystify the idea that my disorder is bad for a person in my line of work. I teach three-hour classes five times a week. Now, please don't start OCDefaming and OCDecrying me by OCDeclaring, "Hey, John only works fifteen hours a week!" I'm not trying to be OCDefensive or OCDeceive you, but you should consider OCDeflecting or OCDeflating some of your OCDerision. A three-hour class can seem as long as a OCDecathelon. I often OCDevelop OCDehydration that can lead to an OCDecline in my OCDesire to OCDemand OCDecorum. Ask yourself if you are OCDetermined enough to be in charge of twenty-five or so students who are often OCDepressed or OCDejected about being stuck in my OCDespised classes trying to earn an OCDegree when they could be OCDeinstitutionized and out doing OCDeliciously OCDeviant and OCDevious things instead. These mostly OCDecent but often OCDemanding and sometimes OCDemeaning people have lots of linguistic OCDeficiencies that I have to OCDecrypt and OCDecode and OCDecipher when I read their OCDemented essays that are often OCDelinquent and due last OCDecember, forcing me to OCDeduct from their grade because of their OCDelay that OCDevours my time. Sometimes it can be downright OCDehumanizing the way this job OCDebases me. Sure, some of the OCDevout students OCDeify me, and sometimes I actually think I might OCDeserve it, but they end up OCDespondent at the end of the semester when I am OCDefrocked. I may be just OCDeluding myself, but I don't think I could keep the whole OCDebacle from OCDestroying me without my OCD. That and sticking with OCDecaffeinated. © 2002 by John Sheirer; all rights reserved. Bio: John Sheirer's poetry, essays, and educational materials have been published widely in print and on the internet. His most recent work can be seen on Ethical Oasis, Nights and Weekends, and The Irascible Professor. He is the author of 21 small press chapbooks of poetry and a public speaking textbook. He teaches writing, public speaking, and literature at Asnuntuck Community College in Enfield, CT.

Alphabet for Living Longer   by Janet Thompson     A - Awareness is the key to fruitful and joyous living. Be aware of others, be aware of current events and be aware of your root growth. B - Bond with others as often as you can. Bond with nature and the elements. Bond with the pizza delivery guy. C - Be content with who you are. Be content with where you've headed.  Be content with contentment. D - Dance whenever possible. As Mark Twain said..."dance like no one is watching..." Dance down the grocery store isle to those songs your kids don't recognize. Dance on a table for your mate now and again. E - Enlighten your soul. Enlighten your neighbor. Enlighten your bottom by about ten pounds. F - Faith is a huge influence as we get older. Our faith is usually firm by forty. It 's always subject to change. Just like bank fees. But we gain better interest with faith than we ever will with the bank. G - Be generous. Generosity is not expected any more so it really catches people off guard. Be generous with yourself and others, especially with your kids. They'll be deciding your fate some day so bribery isn't out of the question. H - Honesty is the best policy. It's impossible to keep lies straight when your memory is going to seed. I - Ignore the unpleasant. Some say face it. I say why bother? Ignoring something unpleasant is an important thing to learn to do. You need to practice, unless of course you're good at it already. .....hello?....HEY! J - Never jump. Jumping makes you feel heavy. It makes your breasts bounce nearly knocking you out. And it only serves to open the door for your kids to make smart cracks behind your back. Better to ignore them (see above). K - Keep everything. Yes, everything. You never know when you'll need it. L - This one is easy. Laugh! It's the only thing that makes those crows feet look "sweet." M - Moan. Loud. People will look at you funny but they'll leave you alone. N - Never say never. Trust me, you learn that "never" and "always" are fictitious words. Never means "hardly ever/rarely" and always means "most of the time/often. For example...I never get caught pulling a wedgie out. I always wear my glasses. O - Organization is the key. I haven't figured out what door it opens yet. But I'll be sure to update you when I do. So until then, I'll use the ignore rule. P - I think this letter is self-explanatory. P lots and often. Being stuck in a moving car with a full bladder sucks. Q - Quality is what counts now. Alright, who are we kidding. It has nothing to do with quality. We just don't have the energy for quantity anymore. R - Rest. Get lots of rest. Just show this article to your boss and tell him/her I said you were to rest. What the hell could he say to that? S - Sing at the top of your lungs. It will drive your kids crazy. It's their turn now. T - Teach the world what you've learned. Teach your mate to put the cap on the new roll on the toilet paper holder. Teach your grandchildren all the wrong manners. Let their parents straighten them out. You owe them one. U - Comfortable underwear. Gotta have em. I've lived too long to worry about flossing my butt now. V - Visit your parents often. They will be gone some day. Trust me on this. W - Drink plenty of water. It's the universal moisturizer. Your skin will thank you. X - Learn to hold onto the X in scrabble. Yes, ok....sometimes you'll get stuck with it. But sometimes you'll get the triple letter. Life's a crapshoot anyway. Y - Yawn. It lets your company know you're not interested anymore and you want to go to bed. Z - Zip your lip. If you said out loud all that you were thinking, they'd haul you away and give your kids power of attorney. Think about it. © 2002 by Janet Thompson; all rights reserved. Janet Thompson is the author of two new-age non-fiction books and a compilation of womens survival stories, two ebooks and hundreds of articles.  She holds her university degree and is a Master Herbalist.  Her writing currently focuses on web and print freelance (humor being her favorite topic).  Her alter ego, Quill, often takes over when Janet is tired and has clean socks.  Aside from the care and feeding of Quill, Janet finds that her work, her husband and two children provide more than enough diversion and a wealth of fodder for her often possessed Satiric Quill.

Alphabet for Living Longer   by Janet Thompson     A - Awareness is the key to fruitful and joyous living. Be aware of others, be aware of current events and be aware of your root growth. B - Bond with others as often as you can. Bond with nature and the elements. Bond with the pizza delivery guy. C - Be content with who you are. Be content with where you've headed.  Be content with contentment. D - Dance whenever possible. As Mark Twain said..."dance like no one is watching..." Dance down the grocery store isle to those songs your kids don't recognize. Dance on a table for your mate now and again. E - Enlighten your soul. Enlighten your neighbor. Enlighten your bottom by about ten pounds. F - Faith is a huge influence as we get older. Our faith is usually firm by forty. It 's always subject to change. Just like bank fees. But we gain better interest with faith than we ever will with the bank. G - Be generous. Generosity is not expected any more so it really catches people off guard. Be generous with yourself and others, especially with your kids. They'll be deciding your fate some day so bribery isn't out of the question. H - Honesty is the best policy. It's impossible to keep lies straight when your memory is going to seed. I - Ignore the unpleasant. Some say face it. I say why bother? Ignoring something unpleasant is an important thing to learn to do. You need to practice, unless of course you're good at it already. .....hello?....HEY! J - Never jump. Jumping makes you feel heavy. It makes your breasts bounce nearly knocking you out. And it only serves to open the door for your kids to make smart cracks behind your back. Better to ignore them (see above). K - Keep everything. Yes, everything. You never know when you'll need it. L - This one is easy. Laugh! It's the only thing that makes those crows feet look "sweet." M - Moan. Loud. People will look at you funny but they'll leave you alone. N - Never say never. Trust me, you learn that "never" and "always" are fictitious words. Never means "hardly ever/rarely" and always means "most of the time/often. For example...I never get caught pulling a wedgie out. I always wear my glasses. O - Organization is the key. I haven't figured out what door it opens yet. But I'll be sure to update you when I do. So until then, I'll use the ignore rule. P - I think this letter is self-explanatory. P lots and often. Being stuck in a moving car with a full bladder sucks. Q - Quality is what counts now. Alright, who are we kidding. It has nothing to do with quality. We just don't have the energy for quantity anymore. R - Rest. Get lots of rest. Just show this article to your boss and tell him/her I said you were to rest. What the hell could he say to that? S - Sing at the top of your lungs. It will drive your kids crazy. It's their turn now. T - Teach the world what you've learned. Teach your mate to put the cap on the new roll on the toilet paper holder. Teach your grandchildren all the wrong manners. Let their parents straighten them out. You owe them one. U - Comfortable underwear. Gotta have em. I've lived too long to worry about flossing my butt now. V - Visit your parents often. They will be gone some day. Trust me on this. W - Drink plenty of water. It's the universal moisturizer. Your skin will thank you. X - Learn to hold onto the X in scrabble. Yes, ok....sometimes you'll get stuck with it. But sometimes you'll get the triple letter. Life's a crapshoot anyway. Y - Yawn. It lets your company know you're not interested anymore and you want to go to bed. Z - Zip your lip. If you said out loud all that you were thinking, they'd haul you away and give your kids power of attorney. Think about it. © 2002 by Janet Thompson; all rights reserved. Janet Thompson is the author of two new-age non-fiction books and a compilation of womens survival stories, two ebooks and hundreds of articles.  She holds her university degree and is a Master Herbalist.  Her writing currently focuses on web and print freelance (humor being her favorite topic).  Her alter ego, Quill, often takes over when Janet is tired and has clean socks.  Aside from the care and feeding of Quill, Janet finds that her work, her husband and two children provide more than enough diversion and a wealth of fodder for her often possessed Satiric Quill.

I've lived too long to worry about flossing my butt now.

OCDelightful   by John Sheirer   For much of my life, people have said to me, "Hey John! You should get your head examined!" Well, I took their advice not long ago. I went to a psychologist and got myself diagnosed. It turns out I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)--a very mild case. What this diagnosis means is that I have a tendency to focus on certain ideas and repeat certain rituals to keep myself in mental balance. Some people might consider this diagnosis a bad thing and wonder how I can get rid of OCD. But I think it's OCDelightful. I'm OCDelerious that I've been diagnosed because I can't OCDeny how this mild mental disorder has made me the person I am today. I'd like to OCDebunk and OCDemystify the idea that my disorder is bad for a person in my line of work. I teach three-hour classes five times a week. Now, please don't start OCDefaming and OCDecrying me by OCDeclaring, "Hey, John only works fifteen hours a week!" I'm not trying to be OCDefensive or OCDeceive you, but you should consider OCDeflecting or OCDeflating some of your OCDerision. A three-hour class can seem as long as a OCDecathelon. I often OCDevelop OCDehydration that can lead to an OCDecline in my OCDesire to OCDemand OCDecorum. Ask yourself if you are OCDetermined enough to be in charge of twenty-five or so students who are often OCDepressed or OCDejected about being stuck in my OCDespised classes trying to earn an OCDegree when they could be OCDeinstitutionized and out doing OCDeliciously OCDeviant and OCDevious things instead. These mostly OCDecent but often OCDemanding and sometimes OCDemeaning people have lots of linguistic OCDeficiencies that I have to OCDecrypt and OCDecode and OCDecipher when I read their OCDemented essays that are often OCDelinquent and due last OCDecember, forcing me to OCDeduct from their grade because of their OCDelay that OCDevours my time. Sometimes it can be downright OCDehumanizing the way this job OCDebases me. Sure, some of the OCDevout students OCDeify me, and sometimes I actually think I might OCDeserve it, but they end up OCDespondent at the end of the semester when I am OCDefrocked. I may be just OCDeluding myself, but I don't think I could keep the whole OCDebacle from OCDestroying me without my OCD. That and sticking with OCDecaffeinated. © 2002 by John Sheirer; all rights reserved. Bio: John Sheirer's poetry, essays, and educational materials have been published widely in print and on the internet. His most recent work can be seen on Ethical Oasis, Nights and Weekends, and The Irascible Professor. He is the author of 21 small press chapbooks of poetry and a public speaking textbook. He teaches writing, public speaking, and literature at Asnuntuck Community College in Enfield, CT.

I'd like to OCDebunk and OCDemystify the idea that my disorder is bad for a person in my line of work.